Veteran of a Thousand Psychic Wars

Rien Hayden is my savior...

Mon, 22 Aug 2005 17:41:17 GMT

Dear Riggs (and you people out there),

Thank you for making life better than bearable these past weeks. It really means alot to me to have someone around to make sure I don't jump off a cliff or drink myself to death. Your friendship has always been very special to me and I hope that you have that same feeling about mine. I guess that I am jumping at things, but that really doesn't bother me at all.

We've always had a strong connection. Maybe that's because you are one of the few gay men who is also raising children. We always have something to comiserate about, I mean afterall we are HIV positive, gay, dads. That's alot to bitch about. But more importantly, we always have something to laugh or smile about. A seemingly small accomplishment of one of the kids. A good day. Finally getting a song written after agonizing over it for months. The writer's block shattering. It's honestly amazing how much I have laughed and smiled in the last few weeks.

Plenty of people assumed that I was simply hiding my pain, but that's not it at all. Yes I hurt, but I'm good at adapting and moving on. I got married and divorced very young. I moved on. I had a son that I thought would ruin my life. I adapted and discovered how wonderful and precious he is to me. I lost an off and on ten year relationship. I will move on. At the time, I was angry and hurt. But I realize that the bastard was right. It will be better. We were too stagnant, too unchanging. I loved him and I know he loved me. And yet we were stuck in that very young definition of the word love. And when the love grew we simply weren't strong enough for it. I hope he's happy with her, and I hope he stays healthy.

More importantly, however, I hope that you and I figure out what this is. I'm sick and tired of people telling me that I am rebounding hard. Maybe I am, so what? I am happy. I am happier lieing in bed with you and just talking than I ever was with him. The weight that pressed down on me is gone. I am free... and I am alive.

Love,
Sam
P.S.: Riggs, I know you are reading this (probably at work) get a live journal you silly limey. :D

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 04:00:30 GMT

Congratulations world, you've finally done it. You've finally beaten me down.

And congratulations to you too Tomas Diaz: You have broken my heart in a thousand pieces and then scattered it to the wind.

I am now going to get very drunk. More drunk than I have ever been in my entire life.

Just for fun... A short list of why I hate myself (well not really)

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 04:55:24 GMT

I felt like posting this after having in depth conversations with several people about my medications. So here's the full list of all that I am taking:

Allegra-D: allergies
Crixivan: PI, AIDS Med ($508.00 for 270 250mg tablets)
Depokote: Anti-Convulsant for bipolar (about $150 a month)
Lithium: anti psychotic for bipolar ($20 for 100 150mg tablets)
Methadone: hurray for substance abuse. It helped me kick heroin, now its time to kick it. (about $500 a month)
Rescriptor: NNRTIs, AIDS Med ($188 for 90 400mg tablets)
Retrovir (AZT): nRTI, AIDS med ($275 for 60 tablets)
Septra IV: Keeps the nasty opportunistic infections away. ($98 for 10 mL)
Wellbutrin XL: antidepressant ($120 for 60 150mg tablets)

For a total cost of: about $1859 a month. This however does not include the blood screenings that I have to do frequently to make sure nothing is interacting oddly, and all the vitamens I take.

And you wonder why I work such long hours.

I have given in to the hype...

Sat, 09 Jul 2005 18:03:03 GMT

I now have a myspace account... so everyone go add me if you have a myspace! Oh and while you're at it, why don't you add my sister (writes) as well. She's almost as cool as I am.

Also... is it sad that I got excited when Erik Rhodes (yes that Erik Rhodes) added me on myspace? lol

Hello all...

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 06:42:56 GMT

I've been fiddling around with my journal recently... and I think I've finally gotten it to a point where I like it. Take a look please. I am really loving this new tags feature. Much better than memories, or so I think.

My thoughts are with the people of the UK and have been all day. I know Angie's friend Riggs has family and friends over there, so this has no doubt hit rather to close to home for him (and her by extension). I'm getting rather frustrated with the state of the world today. I honestly wish I could buy my own little "Homoisland" somewhere way, way out in the ocean and not deal with the real world. Completely unrealistic? I know. But a boy can dream, can't he? I nearly lost Tom on 9/11, I've lost friends in Iraq and Afganistan. Enough is fucking enough. Maybe our government just doens't get it... we can't do whatever we want. We are not god's right hand of justice, nor are we an international police force. You can't bring democracy with war... it's like fucking for chastity. Clicèd? Yes, but damn well true.

I've been super busy lately, and I'm sorry about that. I truly am. But wedding plans, working two jobs, raising three kids, and frequent doctor's visits take their toll. I hope to be around more in the coming weeks leading up to the wedding... but who knows. Life is crazy.

Love, Light, and Hope,
Sam

Music Meme

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 17:01:31 GMT

tagged by writes
list your six current favorite songs, then tag six people to do the same:

01. "God Am" by Alice in Chains
02. "And I Moved" by Pete Townsend
03. "Losing My Fear of Heights" by Sittser
04. "11:11" by Rufus Wainwright
05. "Heroin, She Said" by Wolfsheim
06. "Don't Be Afraid to Sing" by Stars

Hmm... I'm not gonna tag anyone, because all my friends have already been tagged.

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 04:09:23 GMT

I must post before I go night, night. But it will be brief as there is a gorgeous man sleeping in my bed who I want to snuggle up with.

Today my oldest brother Damon would have been thirty. Its been a rough day, thinking about how wonderful he could have been. He died very young, so one will never know who he could have been.

He was a lovely boy and so much stronger than most people I have ever known. I really could use him alongside me now.

I love you D. See you in the fair fields.

Love, Light, and No Regrets,
Sam

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 04:04:55 GMT

Raven has put the kabosh on any "outsiders" joining the circle for the hand fasting... I understand her paranoia... but good gravy, my day (or rather Tom's and my day) not hers. Sorry kids.

In happier news: My latest labs! My viral load was low as some shit (120) and my t-cells are very stable (in the 500s with my percentage at 22%) It's kinda interesting, despite being poz I am healthier (in some respects) than I have ever been. Tom is also doing fine. Although his viral load has gone up a bit since he went of the medications. Our doctor wants him to get his panels more frequently, but she says that he seems to be responding well to not being on any medications. He's taking a shit load of vitamins though and eating healthier that anyone I know. Maybe all this hippie shit will pay off.

Another very happy thing: Tom has gotten rid of the nasty hippie beard. lol You all know I love the man, but kissing someone who was beginning to resemble Wilson Cruz as a Hell's Angel... not attractive. lol Its nice to have my man clean shaven again.

Congratulations to the recent graduates: Tommy, Louis, and whoever else...
Good Luck to the rest in their continued high school torment: Gracie, Tessa (right?)

Love, Light, and AZT,
Sam

Who else thinks I should give up on this whole journaling thing?

Mon, 23 May 2005 02:15:51 GMT

I never update this thing do I? I am horrible, horrible. But since I am updating I will give you the big/good news.

Tom and I are going up to Mass. to get married this summer. August to be precise. We are going to have our lovely civil ceremony, but we will also celebrate a handfasting with our coven before we go. We are so damn Holywood aren't we?

For any of you considering buying us pretty pressies, Tom and I ask that you consider making a donation to charity instead. We've both been married before and so we have all the ugly gravyboats and silverware we could ask for. We may consider doing a registery on Amazon for those who really like the materialistic aspect of marriage, but it really isn't about that for us... A small donation in our names is more than enough beauty for us.

For those of you who don't know our full names:
Tomás Mikael Diaz and Samuel Christian Spurry

For those of you who do wish to donate and know my sister:
send cards through her as we are paranoid to put our address on the web.

Lots of Love,
The Two of Us

edited to add: Okay... fine, fine. Here is a registery on Amazon.com. This is only to be used as a last resort, if you have no idea what charity to donate to.

Guess what I have tickets to...

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 04:27:57 GMT

Rent on Broadway! I am so excited, Tom suprised me with them after work today.

I am sorry I haven't been updating or commenting as frequently as I would like to, but I have been horribly busy with work.

Nicked this from logicdeprived....

Fri, 25 Mar 2005 21:34:24 GMT

Totally Depraved
You are 18% pure

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 2% on purity

Link: The 100 Point Sexual Purity Test written by ocicat on Ok Cupid

OH MY!!!! I am rather bad aren't I?

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 15:25:24 GMT

Madness is at foot...

That community, desperatefans, that Grace has been fangirling... I think I shall join.. but who as? Advice please.

Christophe Grantaire ( Les Misérables )
Inspector Javert ( Les Misérables )
Jean Prouvaire ( Les Misérables )
Julien Enjolras ( Les Misérables )
Courfeyrac ( Les Misérables )
Ford Prefect ( The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series )
Zaphod Beeblebrox ( The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series )
Christine Daaé ( Le Fantome de l'Opera )
Erik (or the Phantom) ( Le Fantome de l'Opera )
Raoul de Chagny ( Le Fantome de l'Opera )
La Carlotta ( Le Fantome de l'Opera )
Brother Cadfael ( the Brother Cadfael books )
Dorian Gray ( The Picture of Dorian Gray )
Lord Henry Wotton ( The Picture of Dorian Gray )
Sydney Carton ( A Tale of Two Cities )
Sir Percival Blakeney ( The Scarlet Pimpernel series )
Guildenstern ( Hamlet or Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead )
Rosencrantz ( Hamlet or Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead )
Princess Leia Organa Solo ( Star Wars )
Commander Sir Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh ( Terry Pratchett's Discworld series )
Lady Sybil Ramkin-Vimes ( Terry Pratchett's Discworld series )
Elphaba Thropp ( Wicked )
Glinda (or Galinda) ( Wicked )
Anthony J. Crowley ( Good Omens )
Aziraphale ( Good Omens )
Bridget Jones ( Bridget Jones' Diary )
Nadir Khan ( Susan Kay's Phantom )
Mercutio ( Romeo and Juliet )
Paul Muad'Dib ( Dune )
Nelyafinwe Maitimo ( The Silmarillion )
Sirius Black ( Harry Potter)

So any suggestions at all would be helpful...

Sun, 13 Mar 2005 05:34:04 GMT

Do you ever wonders if the world is only something your subconcious has dreamed up? I had that feeling all day today. I couldn't quite concentrate on anything... it was rather nice in its own way. It made me smile, when the only constant in my drifting thoughts was my Tom. It is rather funny, I've changed alot in such a short time. From hardened, souless, smack-fiend to what I am now. I'm not quite sure what I am, really. Loving husband, father, brother, friends. Sounds like an epitaph, no? I guess in its simpleist form it comes down to being alive. I wasn't alive when I did all those hard drugs. A k-hole is nice, but it doesn't compare to the things I get to live daily these days. Because in a K-hole you see, you aren't really living life. You are simply seeing it (and a thousand million other things at once.) A good trip can seem sublime, but it really isn't in actuallity. And heroin? It is rather funny that I would do horse, isn't it? I rageing hornball like me addicted to a drug that made it impossible for me to fuck... No actually living life is much better. Its better than any high.

Is it wrong to have the hots for a car?

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 04:17:44 GMT

Dude this car is the most beautiful thing ever! If I had 150 grand + to drop on the car, I'd do it in a fucking second! I have been madly in love with Shelbys for the longest time.

So in the spirit of my mad love for a Shelby GT 500, I will post my list of hot cars...

1. Shelby GT 500 (vintage would be some hot shit, but a reissue or custom build is fine with me) [image] Price: $150,000 +
2. Porsche Spyder (vintage... 1955 if I could spring it, but maybe thats the Dean fanatic in me) [images] Price: unknown
3. Maserati Sebring (vintage particuarly '66) [image] Price: c. $90,000
5. Bentley Flying Spur (late '50s model or very early 60s) [image] Price: c. $100,000

But hey, my baby is quite a bute, and not exactly cheap either. 2004 Ford 40th Anniversary Mustang... I don't have pictures available, but she basically looks like this [image], although she is a gorgous blue color.

And Tom's wheels ain't bad either... in fact I think he and I should trade. He drives a 2002 T-bird, which we got for a great price from the shop. The thing runs beautifully and doesn't look so bad either. But the poor boy has been drooling over a '64 T-bird that the boss drives. I swear if he ever decides to sell, we will snap that car up in a new york minute.

I do miss my custom Civic, but that car had to go or I never would have stopped racing. I'm glad that it got to stay in the family though. It's been through three siblings. Me, then Grace, and now Jake. I know Grace loved the car too. It was like an extension of yourself when you drove it. Its a pity that she had to give the car up too.

I lied...

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 02:36:42 GMT

I said I was gonna talk about my past in this entry, but I really don't feel quite up to it right now. So I will tell you about a delightful evening of drinking (some of it under-aged.) Tom had the day off of work today, and my sister was working a short shift, so we had the brilliant idea of a little get together. So Tom, my sister (Gracie), her boyfriend (Jerry), and I went over to the bar where Tom and my best friend Chris work. Chris was working tonight and this nice kid Jesse. So we managed to get Grace in despite the fact that she's a little under-aged (but not by much.)

It was almost like old times, we just sat around talking and having a few beers. We talked about so much stuff, basically about where we are going in life. It was interesting to say the least. We got into a nice political argument too, which was surprisingly nice. But I am shocked that Grace would date anyone that far to the right (i.e. at center) lol. That girl is really shaping up to be a great activist. We also spent a lot of time talking about sexuality... it was pretty interesting cause none of us (Jerry included, interestingly enough) really fits into the confines of the binary ideas of sexuality. So that was fun. After we talked we played a little pool and then Jerry took Grace home.

Tom and I stuck around a little longer and then went to my mom's to pick up the kids. Long ass drive home, man those kids were hyper. I love my mom and I definitely respect her parenting skills, but Jesus Christ on a stick could she have given them more caffeine!

Religion... a whole post to itself.

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 11:39:08 GMT

I didn't get a chance to talk about religion in my last post... which is intresting, because aside from my homosexuality, my religion is how many people choose to define me.

I am a happy pagan man... I really can't tell you what I am at the end of the day. I used to be very, very stereotypically Wiccan. But alot of things have changed since then. I have been able to open my eyes alittle more and embrace the pluarlity of this world. I think that Wiccanism is simply too dualistic for me, in a sence it is almost as bad as Christianity in that it sticks everything firmly into two genders (male and female.) Althought there is a very active gay community among Wiccans, I still feel marginalized when I am with them. I don't really know where I stand with them; I have never been a real flammer and sometimes when I was participating in circle with Wiccans, I felt as though that was what was expected of me. Maybe I'm getting the message wrong, but I don't know.

I can never truly fit in and feel comfortable in a religion that has strict gender roles, I know there are many out there that don't but it has taken me awhile to find the path that is right. Hinduism is very pluarlistic, there is very much an element of the third gender. Which is nice, but Hinduism isn't for me really. I've seen the way Jake and Shanti (brother and sister in law) practice their faith, and I find it to be incredibly beautiful, but simply not for me. It took me a long time to find that Ecclectic Paganism was the way for me. I've always needed a very personal connection to the Divine, the Source.

Sometimes being an Ecclectic Pagan can be difficult, the only person you have to look to for Spiritual guidence is yourself. I've been through alot of changes in my life this past year. Changes that have made me stronger emotionally and spiritually. I have discovered that at the end of the day, I am accountable. This accountability has truly led me to a new awakening of my faith. I can finally be my own guide, because I finally know what I am looking for. After all the destination isn't what matters, it's the journey.

bte: I will be talking about "the past" in my next entry. Always a thing I have to deal with, so I thought I should get it out of the way.

Hello all, for the first time

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 05:11:24 GMT

I am here at my darling sister's bidding. I am not quite sure what to say, so I suppose I should introduce myself.

Hi my name is Samuel, but most people call me Sam or duck (or something equally as silly). I am a 24 year old gay man, soon to be 25. I was born on the Ides of March in 1980.

I am very happy with my long term patner, Tom, and our kids. I guess I should explain that one shouldn't I? Both Tom and I were previously married, I had a son, Josh, with my wife. Tom had two girls. So there you go the happy family.

I live in Westminster, Maryland. Not one of the most gay friendly areas, but we make do. I work as a mechanic at my step-dad's garage and also as a paperwork gruntie at a local bodyshop. Tom works as a bartender currently. He also dances whenever he gets the chance. He's had a few great jobs with dance companies recently, and he is hoping to work as a dance coach for one of the local dance academies.

I suppose I should mention that both Tom and I are HIV+, so alot of this journal will be talking about our health. But don't worry I promise not to be too depressing.

So there you go, my life in a nutshell.