Veteran of a Thousand Psychic Wars

Dear Riggs (and you people out there),

Thank you for making life better than bearable these past weeks. It really means alot to me to have someone around to make sure I don't jump off a cliff or drink myself to death. Your friendship has always been very special to me and I hope that you have that same feeling about mine. I guess that I am jumping at things, but that really doesn't bother me at all.

We've always had a strong connection. Maybe that's because you are one of the few gay men who is also raising children. We always have something to comiserate about, I mean afterall we are HIV positive, gay, dads. That's alot to bitch about. But more importantly, we always have something to laugh or smile about. A seemingly small accomplishment of one of the kids. A good day. Finally getting a song written after agonizing over it for months. The writer's block shattering. It's honestly amazing how much I have laughed and smiled in the last few weeks.

Plenty of people assumed that I was simply hiding my pain, but that's not it at all. Yes I hurt, but I'm good at adapting and moving on. I got married and divorced very young. I moved on. I had a son that I thought would ruin my life. I adapted and discovered how wonderful and precious he is to me. I lost an off and on ten year relationship. I will move on. At the time, I was angry and hurt. But I realize that the bastard was right. It will be better. We were too stagnant, too unchanging. I loved him and I know he loved me. And yet we were stuck in that very young definition of the word love. And when the love grew we simply weren't strong enough for it. I hope he's happy with her, and I hope he stays healthy.

More importantly, however, I hope that you and I figure out what this is. I'm sick and tired of people telling me that I am rebounding hard. Maybe I am, so what? I am happy. I am happier lieing in bed with you and just talking than I ever was with him. The weight that pressed down on me is gone. I am free... and I am alive.

Love,
Sam
P.S.: Riggs, I know you are reading this (probably at work) get a live journal you silly limey. :D

Congratulations world, you've finally done it. You've finally beaten me down.

And congratulations to you too Tomas Diaz: You have broken my heart in a thousand pieces and then scattered it to the wind.

I am now going to get very drunk. More drunk than I have ever been in my entire life.

I felt like posting this after having in depth conversations with several people about my medications. So here's the full list of all that I am taking:

Allegra-D: allergies
Crixivan: PI, AIDS Med ($508.00 for 270 250mg tablets)
Depokote: Anti-Convulsant for bipolar (about $150 a month)
Lithium: anti psychotic for bipolar ($20 for 100 150mg tablets)
Methadone: hurray for substance abuse. It helped me kick heroin, now its time to kick it. (about $500 a month)
Rescriptor: NNRTIs, AIDS Med ($188 for 90 400mg tablets)
Retrovir (AZT): nRTI, AIDS med ($275 for 60 tablets)
Septra IV: Keeps the nasty opportunistic infections away. ($98 for 10 mL)
Wellbutrin XL: antidepressant ($120 for 60 150mg tablets)

For a total cost of: about $1859 a month. This however does not include the blood screenings that I have to do frequently to make sure nothing is interacting oddly, and all the vitamens I take.

And you wonder why I work such long hours.

I now have a myspace account... so everyone go add me if you have a myspace! Oh and while you're at it, why don't you add my sister (writes) as well. She's almost as cool as I am.

Also... is it sad that I got excited when Erik Rhodes (yes that Erik Rhodes) added me on myspace? lol

I've been fiddling around with my journal recently... and I think I've finally gotten it to a point where I like it. Take a look please. I am really loving this new tags feature. Much better than memories, or so I think.

My thoughts are with the people of the UK and have been all day. I know Angie's friend Riggs has family and friends over there, so this has no doubt hit rather to close to home for him (and her by extension). I'm getting rather frustrated with the state of the world today. I honestly wish I could buy my own little "Homoisland" somewhere way, way out in the ocean and not deal with the real world. Completely unrealistic? I know. But a boy can dream, can't he? I nearly lost Tom on 9/11, I've lost friends in Iraq and Afganistan. Enough is fucking enough. Maybe our government just doens't get it... we can't do whatever we want. We are not god's right hand of justice, nor are we an international police force. You can't bring democracy with war... it's like fucking for chastity. Clicèd? Yes, but damn well true.

I've been super busy lately, and I'm sorry about that. I truly am. But wedding plans, working two jobs, raising three kids, and frequent doctor's visits take their toll. I hope to be around more in the coming weeks leading up to the wedding... but who knows. Life is crazy.

Love, Light, and Hope,
Sam

tagged by writes
list your six current favorite songs, then tag six people to do the same:

01. "God Am" by Alice in Chains
02. "And I Moved" by Pete Townsend
03. "Losing My Fear of Heights" by Sittser
04. "11:11" by Rufus Wainwright
05. "Heroin, She Said" by Wolfsheim
06. "Don't Be Afraid to Sing" by Stars

Hmm... I'm not gonna tag anyone, because all my friends have already been tagged.

I must post before I go night, night. But it will be brief as there is a gorgeous man sleeping in my bed who I want to snuggle up with.

Today my oldest brother Damon would have been thirty. Its been a rough day, thinking about how wonderful he could have been. He died very young, so one will never know who he could have been.

He was a lovely boy and so much stronger than most people I have ever known. I really could use him alongside me now.

I love you D. See you in the fair fields.

Love, Light, and No Regrets,
Sam

Raven has put the kabosh on any "outsiders" joining the circle for the hand fasting... I understand her paranoia... but good gravy, my day (or rather Tom's and my day) not hers. Sorry kids.


In happier news: My latest labs! My viral load was low as some shit (120) and my t-cells are very stable (in the 500s with my percentage at 22%) It's kinda interesting, despite being poz I am healthier (in some respects) than I have ever been. Tom is also doing fine. Although his viral load has gone up a bit since he went of the medications. Our doctor wants him to get his panels more frequently, but she says that he seems to be responding well to not being on any medications. He's taking a shit load of vitamins though and eating healthier that anyone I know. Maybe all this hippie shit will pay off.

Another very happy thing: Tom has gotten rid of the nasty hippie beard. lol You all know I love the man, but kissing someone who was beginning to resemble Wilson Cruz as a Hell's Angel... not attractive. lol Its nice to have my man clean shaven again.

Congratulations to the recent graduates: Tommy, Louis, and whoever else...
Good Luck to the rest in their continued high school torment: Gracie, Tessa (right?)

Love, Light, and AZT,
Sam

I never update this thing do I? I am horrible, horrible. But since I am updating I will give you the big/good news.

Tom and I are going up to Mass. to get married this summer. August to be precise. We are going to have our lovely civil ceremony, but we will also celebrate a handfasting with our coven before we go. We are so damn Holywood aren't we?

For any of you considering buying us pretty pressies, Tom and I ask that you consider making a donation to charity instead. We've both been married before and so we have all the ugly gravyboats and silverware we could ask for. We may consider doing a registery on Amazon for those who really like the materialistic aspect of marriage, but it really isn't about that for us... A small donation in our names is more than enough beauty for us.

For those of you who don't know our full names:
Tomás Mikael Diaz and Samuel Christian Spurry

For those of you who do wish to donate and know my sister:
send cards through her as we are paranoid to put our address on the web.


Lots of Love,
The Two of Us

edited to add: Okay... fine, fine. Here is a registery on Amazon.com. This is only to be used as a last resort, if you have no idea what charity to donate to.

Rent on Broadway! I am so excited, Tom suprised me with them after work today.

I am sorry I haven't been updating or commenting as frequently as I would like to, but I have been horribly busy with work.